Open letter to eHarmony

I understand that dating is hard and match-making isn't for sissies. My former friend Carolyn-the-cat-f#%ker was an eHarmony pro and had advised me that I'd have to kiss a few frogs to get that handsome prince. (As a cat-f#%ker, you might imagine she'd be hard-to-match.)

And, in fairness to you and your "29-points-of-compatibility," I did garner the handsome David from eHarmony, so I can't say that you are without any worthwhile moves. Thank you.

How-so-ever. I participated in your "free trial" over New Years weekend, and it was a sobering, near-lesbian-making experience. From the dude who listed the last book he read as "Old Yellow: the story of a boy and his dog" to the man who "preferred not to leave his house" and referred to his cat as "the missus" to this guy, I had to ask myself: "What does someone have to do to get rejected by eHarmony?"

My Mr. Right won't sport a wife beater t-shirt and comb-over. So, I tried to break up with you, eHarmony, citing the end of my "free trial." (It's not you. It's me.) Yet, you've continued to pursue me ... sending me more just like him. Trust me: I'm not the future Mrs. Nose-bandaid. People who know me will tell you that.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned. But, I think I can do better. Please. Find this man a woman, preferably someone with nursing experience and no self-esteem. Good luck.

(In fairness, this photo was taken from thesmokinggun.com. He's my made-up amalgamated eHarmony dude. Yes, he also looks like Neil Diamond. He is not.)

Comments

[Bonnie]

Two days ago my good friend posted, "I certainly can attest that when my friends find people on online dating sites, they turn out to be psychos or liars lol". I'm one of those friends. I went back to the old fashioned way.

More scary: one site has a "sign up a friend" thing now. How do you know if it's a friend signing you up?

[Dad]

Sweetie, Jill thinks he's kinda cute. She wants you to send all your rejects to her so she can start to build a reserve if she ever dumps me. Now she wants me to get my nose enhanced like Mr. Schnozz.

Love Dad

[Herb Urban]

This has all the makings for a syndicated dating show. Someone unfreeze Chuck Woolery.

[VA]

At last! Uglier than Bob. We've found the Holy Grail...

[Valerie]

I'd swear that is Neil Diamond after singing one too many verses of "Sweet Caroline." So bad, so bad.