UPS, I Wish I Knew How to Quit You!

In the last six months, I've made some changes. I'm eating better, exercising(ish), taking classes in subjects I've always wanted to study, and training Rico to volunteer.

Extreme Makeover: Chubby Pirate Edition.

My biggest challenge? Giving up my personal fashion binky: my brown on brown on brown UPS-y wardrobe. Clothes, make-up, hair, everything--I possess a shit-ton of brown. Sorry. "Shit-ton of Brown" was going to be the title of this post. Viva la compromise.

My monochromatic logic: "A big girl doesn't need big color. Brown all around."

What happened to change my mind?

1. I'm a less big girl now.
2. Holy crap, have you been to Portland in February? It has been raining since ...  what feels like ... the day I was born. Muted grays and browns have begun to grate on my spiritual core. Is it nuclear winter where you live, too?
   
3. Because it's too dreary to spend time outside, I've been watching more television, specifically, "What Not to Wear." After which, I'm a little paranoid that if I don't help myself with my brownly brown issues, someone will take "secret footage" of my fashion sins, and bring all of my loved ones together for a fashion intervention. If you do, by the way, I'll cry.

Overcoming the UPS Delivery Gal look has been a gradual process. Except for the expense, however, the clothing has been the easiest part. Newly skinny me luvs to shop. Blues, reds, purples ... and pointy shoes for everyone! (WNTW will tell you that pointy shoes make women look skinnier. It's a complicated, spooky, quantum physics thing, but darned if it ain't so.)

Hair: Tonight, I'm getting bits of my hair highlighted. No, I'm not going for the full monty. I mostly like my hair color, as brown as it is. Plus, the skunk line of a dye-job that's growing out makes me want to take "secret footage" of my own. Highlights will just render my current hair less UPS-esque.

My toughest issue is my makeup. I own UPS-brown eyeshadow and mascara, and have been putting it in the same place for 30 years. I couldn't tell you, really, what else to do with my face. I don't feel super-feminine about that admission, but hey. It's true. "Snort. Scratch. Spit." (if I many borrow a favorite quote from blogging genius Pioneer Woman.)

I called former very important cosmetics executive VA about my face problem, who gave me this advice on where not to go to a makeup counter for my makeover ...

I should not go to M*A*C Cosmetics, who would give me the "I wanna be a drag queen" look.

Nor the House of Dior, who would give me the "Euro-Clown" look.

Not even Clinique works for me now. They would give me the look I already have, which is  the "What makeup?" style. This particular Clinique model (below) is also oddly reminiscent of the "insane ex-wife" look. Those of you who know who I mean are thinking, "Yowza, her 'I would sacrifice my own children to ruin his life' smile and split ends ARE spot on."

Instead, VA recommended that I visit the fine folks of Bobbi Brown cosmetics. I was dubious. I watched the trainwreck that was the Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown reality show, "Being Bobby Brown;" I do NOT want that man doing my make-up. Fortunately, this is makeup guru Bobbi Brown and what she can do with brown is beautiful ... except that I am not THIS brown ... nor this perfect, but still, wow.

My Bobbi Brown has a makeup counter at Sax Fifth Avenue right up the street from my apartment. Swanky. She's performing her brown-ectomy on my tomorrow at 2 p.m.

Sorry UPS. Portland NEEDS color. Stat.

Comments

[Innkeeper]

Reminds me of me in 1984. On a lark, I went with a group of friends to have my "colors" done, which meant they looked at your hair color, skin tones, etc., and told you what colors you should and should not wear. I'm a "winter" which means I need to wear bright "jewel" tones, clear, true colors. Holy cow! All my life I had been wearing brown, beige, rust in the fall and pastels in the spring, etc. (back then we dressed to color-coordinate with the seasons). But every time I wore brown or beige, people asked me if I was feeling okay because I didn't look well. It was one of the most important things I've ever done. Now I stick to the bright, true colors and people comment "that color looks so great on you!" Hey, good luck and have fun! By the way, I do almost all of my clothes shopping at Goodwill--great finds at terrific prices. And you have some good ones in Portland. The one in Beaverton just off 26 and Cornell Road is a good one.

[Lisa]

Yay, yay, yay!!! Bring on the color girl!

BTW - we LOVE Bare Escentuals.

[Jwo]

Sephora is a great store for buying make up. Lorac is a new find for me and I love it. Have fun tomorrow! Sounds like you're well on your way to making Stacy and Clinton proud - no fashion intervention necessary. BTW, new season of WNTW premieres tonite!

[VA]

I always hoped those four years in corporate cosmetics hell would someday do me and mine proud...

(sniff, sniff)

[Laura]

A gal I went to college with used to remark, in connection with large women wearing Pucci-print muumuus, 'When the Lord made the hummingbird, he made it many colors; when he made the elephant, he made it gray.' As I grew older (and less skinny than I was as a college-age dancer), this made me paranoid about wearing anything brighter than colors with names like 'mouse', 'pewter', 'greige' and 'crepuscule' for years...

[New Jordans]

It's great to hear from you and see what you've been up to. I've loved everything in your blog, Thank you for sharing !