Pirate Dog PDX

Morrison & Foerster, welcome!

Yesterday, I had a bushel of visits from eHarmony and their LLC friends. For your pleasure, I've uploaded eHarmony's most "interested" visiting IP address, but there were others. Welcome corporate entities!

First of all, ya gotta love a law firm that owns "mofo.com" as their web address. Yes. You do. Morrison & Foerster, LLC, if I ever have a corporate identity to protect, I'm yours, baby.

Second, it's chilling (yet entertaining) that my silly little post about my less-than-satisfying eHarmony experience hath garnered the attention of eHarmony and their law firm.

I considered removing the post. I've been funnier, frankly. And, I'm not looking for trouble. But, since I've committed to posting every day in 2008, I'd have to replace the offensive post with something else. Screw that. I scrape the tuna can to feed this hungry blogbeast as it is.

Plus, I can't resist learning what could have been worth their attention. What's the problem, Mo-Fo?

Sigh. I'm sticking to writing about my gay dog,  my uber-talented friends, my fabulous family ... and ... Doritos. I love Doritos. I would like a visit from Doritos and their lawyers.

Pink is the New Crazy

My first year at Burning Man, I wore a hot pink wig, which, if I may say, totally worked on me. In fact, the wig was so great, it found lots of opportunities to spend time outside the Burning Man box, like at work functions. Lots of work functions.

Because I loved my own wig, I don't begrudge Britney wearing hers, except that if there's crazy eyeballs peeking out from behind hot pink bangs, it doesn't matter how well the color works with your skin tone. Never, for example, did my hot pink hair give me the wherewithal to speak with a British accent or run over photographers or steal lighters or abandon my car or shoot off to Mexico in my old wedding dress or hide with my Nyquil/Red Bull/vodka cocktail until an ambulance carried me off to the psycho ward at Cedars Sinai in LA.

If you've not been reading, Britney's been busy. And, I've been using my current flu-bug to catch up on her celebrity sadness. "When she puts on the pink wig, you just know something crazy is about to happen," said one paparazzo. Hm. Like when Norman Bates puts his mom's dress on? Hide the sharp knives.

Which brings me to my point. Where is this girl's momma? Mine is reading my blog. So is my dad. If I started blogging in a British accent, I'd like to think they'd come and whisk me away someplace quiet and safe, and I'm 16 years older than this poor girl. It's a little upsetting, or maybe that's the flu talking.

Or, it might just be the pablum my brain is pushing around the plate right now. I'm looking forward to getting back to my big fat Portland life soon. Watching Britney's crazy train derail is making me love my pink wig a teensy bit less.

L. Ron, Why?

When I was 20, I briefly dated a Scientologist, and was told by my roommate at the time that I'd have to move out if I continued to date "Scientologist Bob." My mom, too, worried that Bob might suck my brain out through my ears.

Not an issue. Bob smelled funny, like warm yogurt. Then, one day, at LA's Central Scientology Building, Bob created a "dossier" for me. He called it that, yes. It was, in fact, a manila folder with my name on it and the answers to his  pre-brainsucking questions that may still well rest in the belly of Scientology Central. I broke up with him that creepy afternoon.

Romantically speaking, Bobs have never worked out well for me. Scientologist Bob was followed by "Ugly Bob," so named long before there was an Ugly Betty. Ugly Betty's got nothin' on my Bob. My Bob was ugly on the inside, too.

Back to our story. As quickly as L.Ron Hubbard set off my kook-o-meter, my petite-n-pretty Tom Cruise was taken in to become a brain-sucked, yogurt-scented (guessing here) wacko. And, now, he's been honored by the Church of Scientology, who issued, then rescinded, this crazy, crazy, crazy eight minute Tom-rant on how glorious it is to walk amongst the aliens.

Why, L. Ron, must you take all the pretty ones?

Freedom of Crazy

As an American, I do love me my freedom, yessirree. Especially, free speech. In journalism school, we learned that "free speech" is only free if the most loathsome among us are afforded that freedom. The example offered in class: "Of course, Mr. KKK, have your weird, 'redneck power' march. Your right to be a complete nimrod is what's so cool about America. Incite any violence, however, and we'll be on you like white on hate-mongering rice." Go USA!

As frothy as I can get about freedom, I am no fan of our current political landscape or what's happening to our system. All that campaign money NOT being spent on infrasctructure, dizzying national debt, or healthcare frustrates a gal. Both sides. Stop it.

If you must nail me down and ask me to pick a side, though, I'd say I'm a hardcore-hippie-bleeding-heart-nutjob. Thus, I'll likely vote Democrat. So, in honor of free speech (whilst we got it), I'd like to honor the crazies.

Theirs. Not ours.

Hey, we got 'em, and you know it.  Uncle Charlie currently has a nasty, festering "tree sitter" infestation. Sean Hannity and David Horowitz think Uncle Charlie's a crazy, too. So I've got material. Let's just say that. For today, though, here's some free speech craziness from their crazies.

First, from the Repugnican website RedState.com:

"RedState.com is about to embark on a major upgrade of our website that will make it easier, more informative, and just plain more fun for you to visit. The bad news: our liberal 'friends' - you know, the ones who believe so strongly in free speech and open debate - have done what they can to prevent us from making these improvements, so that our influence will be minimized just as we head into the 2008 presidential primary season.

"You see, when we started RedState in May of 2004, we used a website program called Scoop - the same program a lot of similar sites on the left used. But, as the number of visitors to our site grew, Scoop kept crashing on us. If we'd been a liberal website, we would have been able to fix the problem quickly and relatively cheaply. The online left loves Scoop. Unfortunately, there weren't really any conservative Scoop developers out there to help us. We kept crashing and were out of money. We had to close down or take drastic action."

It's the liberals' fault that RedState is without technological skills? Poor, paranoid babies. Pssst, I also heard the liberal psychotherapist community has been withholding Thorazine from their conservative patients. Pity. It might be a different campaign if everyone took their meds. God bless America for RedState's right to free speech/whiny baby rants.

Second up, we have a frothy/crazy email, forwarded (not written, thankfully) to me by a pal. It's proof that a favorite philosophy, "Reasonable people can disagree," is true. In the email ...

"... Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is quick to point out that he was once a Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school. Obama's political handlers are working hard to make it appear that he is not a radical. Obama's introduction to Catholocism came from his father, and this influence was temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya soon after his parents divorced, and never again had any direct influence over his son's education..."

It goes on and on, further warning that Obama was born in Hawaii (gasp, he's barely American) and is African-American (double gasp, like that Sanford and Son guy who got tapped for tax evasion!?!). The email includes Obama's parent's divorce as yet another reason we so, so hate him ... asking readers to pray to God that we don't let Barack HUSSEIN Obama take over our "Christian" state. Yes, the email included SUPER SCARY ALL CAPS to highlight "Hussein."

Didn't freedom of religion used to be kind of a thing here? It brings me to my point that "the right to choose," not "allegiance to" an opinion ... religion ... or even an icon like our flag is what freedom means.

I have got to get a boat. Someday soon, I suspect that the best way to be free in this country will be to be loosely tethered to it by a rope. I know that makes me a crazy, too. Good. Freedom loves us.

(Special thanks to Catherine Jamieson for her awesome sailboat flag picture. If you want to see more of her pictures, double click on the image.)